Han+Quan

Two areas I need to work on: Clear argumentation (setting out premises and conclusions in a logical flow) Language use – sentence construction, using parallelism, punctuation, vocabulary etc.

[] [|http://records.viu.ca/~johnstoi/arguments/argument1.htm] [|http://www.writefix.com/argument/]

Taking a look at past essays i've done, my arguments and structure are not up to standard. Sometimes, they are not really logical. On top of that, my vocabulary is not strong either, i can't seem to use a variety of words when i'm writing my essays.

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I'll be working on the introduction for the topic: "**GM (Genetically Modified) Food - boon or bane?" I would like to start off in an catchy way if possible, to capture the attention of the reader. In addition, i would like to include quotations in my introduction. **  Paragraph: "Agricultural biotechnology is here to stay", read a recent opinion piece by Gianessi. With the goal of ever-widening the pool of genetic deversity, there is the emergence of transgenic techonlogies. New ways to improve the agronomic performance of crops for food, feed, and processing applications have been devised, as conventional plant breeding has gotten more technologically savvy in recent years. However, despite this high adoption rate and future promises, there is a multitude of concerns about the risks of GM (genetically modified) food. Hence, scientific inquiry will continue to weigh the risks and benefits of such technologies. GM food can be considered to be both boon and bane. GM is boon, because it will increase yield, and the crops are pests-resistant; however, it is bane as it may cause potential environmental risks.

Comments: Yong Xiang: I am not sure if you need to include who is Gianessi, because if it is important to know who your authority is. We need to check who his background and whether or not he's reliable in making those assertions. Also, I don't know also if your quote needs further explanation, because it seems confusing. So I think you should look through your quote again.

Gordon: Hey Han Quan, I think generally you have given quite a good introduction about GM food. I think words like 'hence', 'therefore' and 'thus' shouldn't be used at the start right? If I am not wrong Mrs Yong said before and she said it's wrong. Maybe we can check with her. Your last two sentences sound about awkward because you highlighted that GM food can be considered to be both boon and bane, then you went on to talk about why it is boon only. I think it could be phrased better, like it is more boon than bane or you can just simply don't say it can be considered to be be both boon and bane. This is just my humble opinion. Thanks

How i intend to revise the original paragraph: Taking account into the peer comments, i will change some of my sentence structures and my stand. Also, i will look through my quote again.

Revised paragraph: "Agricultural biotechnology is here to stay", read a recent opinion piece by Gianessi, a science journalist. With the goal of ever-widening the pool of genetic deversity, there is the emergence of transgenic techonlogies. New ways to improve the agronomic performance of crops for food, feed, and processing applications have been devised, as conventional plant breeding has gotten more technologically savvy in recent years. However, despite this high adoption rate and future promises, there is a multitude of concerns about the risks of GM (genetically modified) food. Scientific inquiry will continue to weigh the risks and benefits of such technologies. I feel that GM food is more boon than bane, because it will increase yield and results in crops being pests-resistant; although it may cause potential environmental risks.

Reflections: I feel that this is a new way of learning, and a good learning experience as well. This step-by-step approach helps me in constructing the paragraph, and hopefully it helps me to improve in my essay writing.